Man Of The Year/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know what you don't see much of on houses anymore? Awnings. You know that thing that would hang down over your window? I don't mean the creepy guy in the trench coat. I'm talking about the canopies that would keep the direct sunlight off your parents' good furniture; you know, the stuff your sister got. Well, here's your chance to get in on the latest home decorating trend... Awnings made from car hoods. Cheap, easy to install, and they protect the house against hurricanes and tornadoes and drive-by shootings -- if things get too hot in the 'hood. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. You know our local paper, "the possum lake daily movement," they got a contest going on. They're looking to name a man of the year from the possum lake area. Nominations are open now, and the winning contestant gets a brand new fishing boat, and I'm thinking yours truly might actually have a shot at this one. Hey, mr green, did you see this man of the year contest? I already got a paper, mike. You didn't have to buy one. Oh, that's okay. I get 'em for free. [ laughter ] how do you do that? [ laughter ] I don't remember. I've been thinking about this contest. I think the lodge should nominate somebody. Yeah, okay, I know where you're going, but do you really think I have a chance? [ chuckling ] no, I'm trying to be serious here, mr green. I thought I'd had a pretty good year. Yeah, compared to the other lodge members, maybe. But the real world has a whole other sense of scale. I mean, this contest is open to the whole community... Policemen, doctors, firemen, bail bondsmen. You know, as a group, we're sucking canal water. All right, well, what's your big idea? I made up a guy. What? I named him after the tire fire. I call him bernie goodyear. I made him a retired general. Says he does volunteer work; and he donates to an orphanage. And I also gave him the order of canada. No, there's another "r." you've got the 'odor' of canada. Okay, I'll change that. But I need you to sign this as a nominator, because, like, if I sign it, they'll think it's a scam. It's discrimination but -- well, it's kind of crooked. Maybe dalton will sign it. Ah, come on, mr green, be a sport. I mean, nobody at the lodge here is good enough to be man of the year. But bernie goodyear can set an example for us all to follow. Plus here's the good bit. "if he wins, he's instructed the judges "to give the fishing boat to the possum lodge." oh, man, this bernie sounds like a great guy. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] joining mr green today is explosives enthusiast, edgar montrose. [ applause ] edgar will be playing for a full body massage from six-finger louis at rub-a-dub-dub massage parlour. And oil change. Don't let the dirty fingernails scare you off. Okay, mr green, you've 30 seconds to get mr montrose to say this word... Yeah, yeah. All right, mike. And go! All right, edgar, you use your nose for smelling; your hands for feeling; what do you use your ears for? Seeing. You use your ears to see? Yeah, my glasses sit on 'em. Okay, no. There's an expression... "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, "does anybody blank it?" what kind of blanket? We're almost outta time, mr green. Remember a few years ago, you used real dynamite in your fireworks display? You blew up city hall. That was a crowd pleaser. I know that, but that was also the day you lost your... Demolition license. At least that's what they told me at the hearing. [ cheering and applause ] [ van chugging, brakes squealing ] you planning on going in any time soon, dalton? What time is it? Red: I have no idea. It's either 1:17, 1:19, or September 6th. Anne marie's gonna kill me. Well, you could fake an injury, pretend you were in an accident. No fake injury is going to fool anne marie. Oh, we could help you out with that part. No, thank you. Oh, wait a minute. I got buster hadfield's pyjamas in the back of the van. You know, this may not be a need to know. No, he gave 'em to me. He said they were bad luck. I was gonna use 'em as oil rags, but you could put them on, dalton. Now, why would I wanna do that? Well, then you just stand on the porch and pretend you got locked out. Yeah, like fred flintstone. "wilma-a-a-a!" go on up there and knock on the door. Shhh! Turn your lights off. Anne marie! Anne marie, I've locked myself out. Anne marie: Who is that? It's me, honey, it's dalton. I heard a noise on the porch and it woke me up, and when I came out to investigate, the door locked behind me. You are such a moron, you know that? Yes, I am. Dalton? Yes, dear. Coming, dear. How come you're wearing buste hadfield's pajamas? You know, when I was a boy I always dreamed about being a riverboat gambler. I've taken some chances in a boat a few times but, you know, that's not the same thing. So today on handyman corner, I've come all the way up to the port asbestos shipyard, and I'm gonna turn this van into a riverboat paddle wheeler. I might even try it with my own van. Now, the first consideration has to be getting the van to float, especially for you non-swimmers. Take a bunch of these pallets, which you can get anywhere that they have pallets rather than fences. Then what you wanna do is fill them with floatation. Now, you could use that styrofoam stuff if you're absolutely made of money. But I prefer to recycle. If you're like me, you generate two or three hundred of these plastic motor oil bottles every month or so. Now instead of having to throw them out the window or leave them in the canadian tire parking lot, you can hang onto them, plus any other bottles you've got because you're gonna use 'em as floatations on your river boat. Okay, that's our hull. Looks like hull, doesn't it? Now all I have to do is add the paddle wheel to the van itself. You know, the old woolworth store in town has had declining revenues since 1957. Finally closed it last year. When they tore it down, I managed to get my hands on this old revolving door. I was gonna install it in the lodge to speed up the exit time on mexican night. But instead I'm going to take all the windows out of her and use this as my paddle wheel. Well, those extension ladders sure came in handy to mount the unit to. And you may notice I've added a wheel rim to the outside of my paddle wheel. And then a corresponding wheel rim, I've put on the outside of one of my drive wheels here. Now I just connect the two together, using a seat belt. Buckle up for safety. I actually took the seat belts out of the van. I figure when you're out on the water, you really don't want to have a seat belt on. Oh, by the way, I jacked up the whole back end here. That way when I put her in gear, there goes my paddle wheel. Actually we taped me putting the van onto my floatation raft, but we're not allowed to show it on television, due to a few environmental infractions and some inappropriate language. Here's something you might think about for your river boat. It's actually just a piece of stove pipe. Ran the exhaust system up through it. And here's a trick to give it that black river boat smoke... Instead of putting gasoline in her I filled up the tank with diesel. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. They'll find me rolling down the river. [ foghorn blasting ] [ applause ] you know the best time to find out what your friends are really like is when you're in some kind of a group endeavor; like when they're all over helping you move something heavy, say, the beer fridge -- say, the beer fridge on pay day. That's when you find out who's who. First of all you get the quitters. The ones who just step back from the fridge and say, "hey, you know what, "I feel like I'm just in the way here." then you get the historian. Steps back from the fridge, pulls out a camera. Wants to get a picture of you and your hernia. Next you get the supervisor. They step back and they turn into some kind of a cheerleader. "all right, everybody, heave!" I almost did. Then you get the fakers. They're the trickiest ones. Yeah, sure, they belly up to the fridge. They spit on their hands. But when it comes to the grab and lift, you hear the tell-tale tinkling of pocket change. You gotta know who's who because these guys are gonna be your pallbearers one day. The last thing you want is a supervisor there going, "easy, easy." while two fakers drop you head first into your final resting place. You gotta walk around heaven looking like the rca dog. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If there's something in the air that knocks you off your chair, just call me, and I'll be there. Or send up a flare, if you dare. Well, I got the lodge members together. Told them about this bernie goodyear that we made up and how we want him to win the man of the year award. Old man sedgwick said he actually remembered the guy. I reminded him that bernie doesn't exist. Sometimes I wonder if old man sedgwick exists. But when they heard about the fishing boat, they all like the idea of sharing that, so we're all going around talking up bernie goodyear as the man of the year. Hey, mr green, did you see today's paper? No, I didn't. The box was missing for some reason. Oh, sorry. It's behind the liquor store. Uh, there's this big article on bernie goodyear. "too good to be true." oh, man, they're on to us. No, no, they're saying he's a cheat and a liar. Some woman in port asbestos said she had his baby. Well, that doesn't sound like the bernie I know. Exactly. And now the town council is demanding that bernie come forward and face his accusers. Until he does, they've suspended the man of the year competition. Well, we gotta go down there and stand up for him. You know who's behind this? Those guys from caribou lodge. I heard they want one of their members to win the contest. Yeah, it's a smear campaign, that's for sure. You know, it's a shame that they have to resort to lies and trickery just to get what they want! Well, mike, that's human nature. [ applause ] oh, hello, boys and girls. Ranger gord here with another homemade animated educational film you all seem to enjoy so much. Well, judging by the mail, that is. What I mean, is judging by the lack of any negative mail, [ wailing ] or any mail, really! [ sobbing ] but that's not your problem. Anyway, today's film is about people who think they know things but they really don't. Now, let's see if you can guess who I'm talking about here, and I'll give you a hint... It's red and harold. Okay? Good luck. Here we go. [ ♪♪ ] [ ♪ ] [ thunder and rain ] ranger gord, uncle red, look at the beautiful rainbow. It was almost worth getting soaking wet. It's a beautiful thing to behold. I'll tell you what's more beautiful than that, though. It's what you can find at the end of it. What's at the end of a rainbow, ranger gord? At then end of every rainbow is a duffel bag stuffed with unmarked bills. Oh, that's not true! Oh, I think maybe you should go and check it out, because maybe we could go and see because, like -- money -- we could all get some of it. Ha ha, if only it were that easy, harold. The problem is the duffel bag at the end of the rainbow is guarded by a magic anvil. Wah, a magic anvil? It's a myth, harold. And gord doesn't even have it right. There's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and it's guarded by a leprechaun, not a magic anvil. Wow! Gord was right. Unbelievable! Wow! Wah! Aren't you two forgetting something? Well, I think you two have had enough fun for one day. So don't be like harold and red, folks. The money at the end of the rainbow can't buy you happiness. It can only drop a magic anvil on your head. [ laughing heartily ] [ applause ] [ telephone ringing ] if you're like me, you get a lot of annoying phone calls, usually around the dinner hour. Some guy trying to sell you used aluminum siding or a vacuum cleaner that can suck up a bowling ball. [ telephone ringing ] I figure there's a list out there somewhere with all our phone numbers on it. We gotta find a way to get our numbers off of that list. So here's what you do. [ telephone ringing ] good evening, could I speak to the head of the -- use somebody's business card and dial up their fax number. Then what you wanna do is get yourself one of those tape recorder units there and record the sound that their fax machine makes when it answers the phone. [ electronic beeping of fax machine ] then you just rewind the tape, turn the volume up full, and wait for the next salesman to call. [ telephone ringing ] good evening, could I speak -- [ electronic beeping of fax machine ] [ applause ] welcome to the experts portion of the show, where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know. Today's letter reads... "dear experts, last night I celebrated a little too much, "was arrested in a hotel room with two strange women, "and lost my wife's car in a high stakes gambling match. "and now she's really mad at me. "however, I've figured a way to get out of this trouble scot free. "in order for my plan to succeed, however, "I need your expert opinion. "is time travel possible?" signed "ready to leave yesterday." gentlemen? Well, in theory, you know, it is. Maybe not now, but in the future, certainly. Well, just a second now. I would think that if time travel is going to be possible in the future, then by now, somebody from the future would have come back to see us. Well, they do. That's what ufos are, people coming back from the future. Gee whiz. It's in all the papers. Oh, yeah? What papers are those, dalton? The ones you put under the puppy? You are so skeptical. How do you know that I'm not a super-intelligent alien that's come back from the future? Because I went to school with you. Uh, could we answer this guy's letter, please? All right, I'm sorry, but time travel makes no sense to me at all. Even if it was possible, I wouldn't wanna go back in the past. My time machine would break, and I gotta try and fix it with edsel parts. And I sure as heck don't wanna go into the future. I can't operate the appliances I got now. So you would advise our viewer to abandon the whole time travel concept? Oh, completely abandon that. This guy just needs to get away and lie low. He doesn't need time travel, he needs travel time. [ laughter ] yeah, but what if time travel was possible? When would you guys go back to? Oh, boy. I'd probably go back to the date of my birth. I'd probably go back to nine months before that. Then I could meet my dad. [ laughter ] what about you, mr green? I think I'd go back ten minutes and burn that letter. [ laughter and applause ] winston rothschild of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Cover me. I'm going in. [ applause and laughter ] well, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I do know we don't have a new fishing boat. Yeah, but the guys from the caribou lodge do. Unbelievable. They got up in front of the town council. They accused bernie goodyear of every sin known to man and a couple of new ones they made up themselves. Then mr green, he got up and denied all the accusations, and then he presented mr goodyear as that wonderful guy that we all came to know and love. You were great, mr green. I was moved. I wish the town council had seen it that way, mike. Well, you were lying. So were they. Yes, but here again, people would rather believe a hurtful lie than a helpful one. And I've got the rap sheet to prove it. So then the caribou lodge guys cut themselves a deal. They told town council they'd get rid of bernie goodyear in a peaceful, non-violent way, and they guaranteed them that bernie would never show his face in the possum lake area again. And all they wanted in return was the prize fishing boat. With the proviso they'd give the boat back if bernie ever showed up in town. That's when I knew the scam had gone too far. Well, you tried to do the right thing, mr green. You really did. Yep, I told 'em bernie goodyear didn't exist. I told 'em we made him up. They didn't believe it. Didn't believe it. I found that ironic. Oh, well, I'm just sorry you didn't win man of the year, mr green. Well, mike, I lied, I cheated, and I tried to get something under false pretenses. Forget man of the year, I should've run for president. [ laughter and applause ] [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time, mr green. Yeah, you go ahead, mike. I'll be down in a minute. Okay. All right. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I did learn something today. I learned that if you're honest, you can stop talking any time you want, but when you lie, you gotta just keep her rolling and rolling... Boy, your sister talks a lot, doesn't she? And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and bernie goodyear and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause and cheering ] sit down. Sit down. Everybody, sit down. Sit, sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, guys, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Red: Yes, dalton? Dalton: Okay, I have an important announcement. Caribou lodge is saying their fishing boat is missing, and they're claiming that maybe one or more members of this lodge had something to do with it. And they're asking for our cooperation. Red: Okay, dalton, I think I know who took the fishing boat. Bernie goodyear! Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com